Daily Noose
July 4th: A Day to Celebrate Our Journalistic Independence
As the great island nation of Alameda prepares once again to honor the Alameda Daily Noose and me with its annual parade, we cannot help reflecting modestly upon the many years of service that we have given freely to our Right-Thinking fans, holding aloft the eternal flame of Alamedaness. In that journalistic endeavor, no-one yet has been able to fill our estimable shoes. Not even the mighty Dave Williamson was able to pull our noble editorial pen from the loathsome ash tree of Wrong-Thinking that we had impaled with it. Beset the while by chit-chit-chittering Squirrels as annoying as the notorious Ratatoskr of ancient Noose mythology, young Dave strove with all his strength (except for that which he expended on Miss Grumpy Alameda’s publicity) for three months to gain mastery of that pen, even practicing with an electronic simulator, but to no avail. I, Roger Grumbel, was forced to step in again to show the younger generation of Alamedans how it is done.
It is just such masterful decision-making that defines the truly great editor. No set of journalistic rules, however comprehensive, can replace the daring independence of a Noose Man in the Classic Sense. There are times when one must throw off the chafing chains of fact and fly free. There is no telling where true journalistic integrity may take an editor next. Sometimes, it may even lead to some city that is not Alameda, as unexpected as it may seem that there would be anything worth noting outside our Treasured Isle. You need not fear for our safety when we go to such lengths in pursuit of items for publication, for there is always a place reserved in the Noosemobile for our faithful canine companion, Scoop, who will face any danger, with the possible exception of cats and some other things.
But let us not forget that the foundation of any noosepaper worth its salt is a firm grasp of the history of Alameda. The Alameda Daily Noose and I make sure to remind our readers of the details of long-standing institutions that should be common knowledge, such as our Secret Police. Yes, from the time of Alameda’s discovery in 1492, up to our current travails under a Bagpipe-hugging President, our every scrap of history must be preserved, perhaps in some of those enormous hangars that were recently discovered in western Alameda.
It is only right that today Alameda should celebrate us, who bring you all of those noose stories and more. Of course, we are too modest to say it ourselves, but it must be obvious that we embody that ancient Alamedan legend: in Alameda’s hour of greatest need, a hero braves the leaping magic flames to awaken a sleeping noosepaper. With that hard-won prize, he goes forth to fight the never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the Alamedan way.
Green Living by Janet Marchant: Becoming Less of a Greenhorn When It Comes to Green Living
I want to thank my readers for the neat tips they sent in on canvas shopping bags. I never would have thought of using them more than once! I’ll have to try that out, along with some of those other suggestions.
Thanks to this kind of helpful feedback, I’ve been discovering that some of the information I gave in my past columns wasn’t always 100% right. For example, it turns out that putting a bucket in your shower doesn’t work the same way as a plastic laundry ball (not that my laundry ball has been working all that well lately). The way the bucket really works is that it catches the water that you’d usually let run down the drain while you wait for it to warm up. Then you can use that water for something else, like maybe maintaining your water garden. Who knew?
It just goes to show that, no matter how green you think you are, there is always more to learn. So keep striving, green Alamedans! And if those green pick-up lines work for you, you might soon be passing on your earth-friendly wisdom to your own bouncing baby environmentalists.
Roy Avery Doesn’t Frighten the Alameda Daily Noose and Me
Editor,
You’ve gone too far this time, Roger Grumbel. You’ve insulted the honorable clan of bagpipers, of which I am a proud member, by calling us a “bunch of cowards.” You’d better run for the hills, Grumbel, because the next time I see you in a safe, well-lighted, public place with plenty of people around, I’ll be asking if you want to call me a coward to my face! We’ll see who’s the coward then.
Roy Avery,
Bagpiper, peat bog afficionado, and staunch supporter of tartan-oriented development
Editor’s Comments:
The Alameda Daily Noose and I are not the least bit frightened by Roy Avery’s threat. We feel perfectly safe here at the Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, and have been peeking outside at frequent intervals to make sure that we really are safe. Besides, Roy Avery knows that if he ever tried something as reprehensible as speaking to us in public, we would slap a restraining order on him faster than you can say “huge, intimidating Scotsman who must stand at least 5′ 4″, and who smells menacingly of bluebells and daffodils.”
Jean Kerkwilligers is Worried about How Worried to Be about Bagpipes
One-Third of Alameda Breathes Sigh of Relief after Mighty Hunter Bags Mammon-Eating Beast
My fellow Alamedans will be relieved to know that I have returned unscathed from my most recent tax hunting safari. As we all know, the tyranny of ferocious tax beasts has long forced us all to enjoy social services that we do not even desire. Only when every one of the savage monsters has been eradicated will we be free from public schools, paved roads, waste collection and countless other wasteful services. Therefore, I sally out as often as I can (without unduly worrying my wife) to confront the dangers of taxation and bring them to the ground.
This time, I managed to bag the King of the Fiscal Jungle, the vicious, notorious Measure E. This is a victory in the fight against predatory taxation. Some say that Measure E was able to swallow an entire bank account in a single bite, although I feel sure that it would have choked had it tried that with my bank account.
Although it may seem amazing that I can defeat a fearsome tax beast single-handedly, the truth is that the lone tax hunter is assured of victory in any one-on-one battle. Only if there are two or more of them against one is it time to retreat and live to fight another tax another day. Don’t listen to those bleeding hearts who oppose the wholesale slaughter of taxes. We must destroy as many of the creatures as we can if we are ever to achieve fair taxation. I welcome any red-blooded Alamedan who cares to join me on my next tax-hunting expedition.
Ned Elksfield
Bright, Young Marketing Maven Loves the Alameda Daily Noose
Editor,
Good Afternoon! My name is Ashley and I’m part of the Promotions Team here at racksandstandsrus.com. We have been seeking out high quality websites and blogs, gauging interest in doing a giveaway with one of our sites. We love the look and feel of your blog and think that your US and Canadian readers might be interested in a giveaway with our sites.
Have a look at a couple of our sites and let me know if you think that this might be something you’d be interested in. Perhaps we could give away a selection of our racks and stands! I’d be happy to brainstorm some other ideas with you if you’re interested. Alternatively you could do a review of something from our site. Please let me know if you have any questions for me. I hope to hear from you to further discuss the details of the giveaway.
Kind Regards,
Ashley
**Please note: If are unable to reply to this message for any reason, please email my alternate email address at completelylegitimatebusiness@geemail.com and I will get back to you. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Editor’s Comments:
The Alameda Daily Noose and I are sure that many of our readers are likely to be in need of a source for high-quality racks and stands. We are seriously considering ordering some and writing reviews of them, since we are so adept at reviewing things. Don’t feel that you have to wait for our reviews before purchasing any racks and/or stands for yourself. The Alameda Daily Noose and I have legendary levels of sales resistance, so you can be sure that when we are interested in a product or service, it’s not because we are swayed by the girlish charms of some slick, unprincipled wheeler-dealer. We can tell from her naive use of asterisks that Ashley is an innocent, straightforward type who could use a few pointers on the rack and stand business from an experienced reviewer.
Green Living by Janet Marchant: Shopping Green with Canvas Bags
Hey, everybody! I recently learned that doing your shopping with your own canvas bags is better for the environment than those paper ones they give out at the stores, and they’re even more planet-friendly than plastic bags. Why? Well, I’m not sure about that part yet, but I’ve noticed that canvas is nice and sturdy. They don’t tear when you put heavy or sharp-cornered things in them, and they’re easier to lift in and out of your hybrid SUV thanks to those substantial handles. I’m especially eager to use the clean, green bag I picked up at one of our fine local businesses, because it advertises the importance of supporting environmental superstar countries like China by buying their products in our local stores.
The only problem I’ve had with canvas bags so far is that they take up a lot more room in my trash containers than the plastic ones. There must be a solution to this. Maybe my readers have some suggestions. If so, I’ll be sure to pass them along to the rest of you.
Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts
Roger’s ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 63 days, with the most recent shown in green:
Corica Have Mercy:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, May 18, 2010
Editor’s Comments:
City staff seems determined to go on and on about plans to develop Alameda Point, even though the electorate, by voting down Measure B this spring, soundly rejected the idea of ever changing anything at the former naval air station. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are amazed that the City still cannot get this fact through their skulls!
This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, May 10, 2010
City of Alameda Public Utilities Board, May 17, 2010
Editor’s Comments:
If we can just pass proposition 16 in the election next week, this could be the last Public Utilities Board interwebcast we ever have to sit through! The Alameda Daily Noose and I can’t wait to join other Right-Thinking voters in wresting control of the clean coal content of our power away from those fat cats at Alameda Muniserable Power.
So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Transportation Commission, April 28, 2010
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, May 24, 2010
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, June 1, 2010
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, June 15, 2010
Editor’s Comments:
The City Council as good as admitted that the parking garage has turned out to be a complete failure and should be torn down. Of course, even the most Right-Thinking among them were too timid to suggest that sensible course of action, but they acknowledged that the garage hasn’t brought in as much revenue as expected, which amounts to the same thing.
Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Transportation Commission, May 26, 2010
Editor’s Comments:
We can’t decide whether the footage of boats is more boring than the meetings with people droning on about public transportation, but it’s high time the City stopped holding these Transformation Committee meetings altogether.
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council May 4, 2010
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, June 14, 2010
Special Planning Board Meeting, June 21, 2010
Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, April 26, 2010
Special ARRA Meeting – AP Environmental Update, May 6, 2010
That’ll Teach ‘Em!
Keep Up with the Latest Squirrel Strategems
As Right-Thinking Alamedans are well aware, the Global War on Squirrels requires all of us to stay on our toes to keep up with the latest strategems of our crafty enemy. We are at constant risk from suicide Squirrels, and we can only hope that the next one will take as few of us with him (or her!) as the unsuccessful one in the Alameda Daily Noose exclusive photo below.
Yes, the image is chilling. To take off that chill, we advise you to read up on anti-Squirrel tactics now, before your own automobile has a run-in with one of these ruthless kamikazes. Thanks to an tip from an astute Alameda Daily Noose reader, we can heartily recommend starting with the book Squirrel Wars by George H. Harrison, perhaps followed by Outwitting Squirrels: 101 Cunning Stratagems to Reduce Dramatically the Egregious Misappropriation of Seed from Your Birdfeeder by Squirrels by Bill Adler, Jr.
Start reading as soon as you can. Both the seed and the safety of Alameda may hang in the balance.
